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 Viagra

 There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex lately so the man went to a doctor and told him about their problems and the doctor prescribed a pill for the man to take. The doctor warned that if the man took more than one pill the side effects could be damaging. The man made sure to take only one pill and he had the best sex of his life! He went back to the doctor and told him the good news. The doctor said that it was great but warned to take only one pill. The doctor started to worry after a week and a half had gone by and he hadn't heard from the man so he decided to go and make a house call. When he got to the house he saw the mans son on the front porch and noticed he was crying. The doctor asked why he was crying and the boy replied, "Mommy is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and daddy is running around the house calling, here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

Some words to live by:

  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

 the courage to change the things I cannot accept, 

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those peopleI had to kill today because they pissed me off.

 Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to  

the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow

 The angler

  An angler sits at a lake and is completely sad that he has not caught a fish for 6 hours. Suddenly he has something at the line and pulls it out of the water.He has a bottle with a cork at the hook. He pulls the corks from the bottle - and there - a small ghost comes out of the bottle. The ghost: "Thanks, that you have freed me from the bottle. To thank you, I will grant you a free wish." The angler considers a time long and speaks: "I wish a nonstop highway from Hamburg to New York." The ghost: "Noooo, I am only a small ghost. I can't fulfill so large wishes." The angler considers another time : "Well well, I always have problems with my girlfriend - and altogether I don't understand women - please make that I understand women." The ghost considers a half an hour long and answers: "How broadly do you like the highway - 4 or 6 lanes ???"

The Joey-DeMaio-Joke

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"  "Bass solo."

Bad Luck I

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels .... I divided all my  money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."  St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"  The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"  The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand  dollars in my entire lifetime." "Shit!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

Bad Luck II

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"  The man says, "I was a dentist."  St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"  "I was a school teacher."  Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"  "I was a musician."  "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

 Bad Luck III

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it a few month ago."  The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and,  figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Rules Men Wish Women Knew
(forwarded by Curt "The seer" Golden. Thanks bro.)

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat ass to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the f*cker down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10. Sunday = Soccer/Basketball//Any other sport. It's like the
full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing
from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most Men own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that
would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.See a doctor.
23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
25. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out.
26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
29. The male models with the great bodies you see in
magazines are all gay. Face it.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can
we know how pretty you are?
32. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
33. Consider Sports a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
34. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops,
no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
35. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
36. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You
don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't
say "No, I couldn't /shouldn't / don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
37. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
38. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good
quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
39. Do not question our sense of direction.

  The chauvinist pig  

Question: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

Answer: A woman that won't do what she's told!